ergh

light and reflection mirrors globes smoke frenzy mind games mind power mind rules can I protect all other aspects of myself from what it is my mind wants to make of them sometimes being alone all the time is the best way to really get you to appreciate people which is still such a hard thing and being alone also makes that harder I can't decide I'm excited to have a birthday in five days that's vapid, especially since it is kind of an important number seeing as it is the real adult number now it's all I've ever wanted maybe I think I'll go down the south coast it would be nice if buddy was here to eat and south coast with m alas she is not I miss her a lot and at the same time I have been so exposed to myself even moreso with her overseas which is as alarming as it is exciting despite the fact that I am going insane I can't control my feelings the ones that don't exist because I feel very stagnant at the moment.

These next 40 days are going to be wild.

L8rz. Adventure Time time.

I need to not forget to make a cake / some slice for anne carty and also start organising what food to have at the picnic and also the farewell bonanza.

Poop.

I haven't blogged since Annette's departure.

I really just want to leave already.

I'm losing my mind.

Don't even want to say goodbye to any of my friends, just think it would be fun to slip out of life, and I think actually that is what I will do. I'll have a gathering with family and maybe a couple of friends here and there. But I really just want to go.

So it actually feels real, which it doesn't all.

I just really want to snuggle with Annette...but she's in Provo right now, probably studying up a storm.
I miss her so much it actually hurts tonight.

I listened to her favourite song from the Her soundtrack.

Now I'm listening to Benjamin Britten's Songs for Friday Afternoon.

I don't feel very good, I have been sad all day, I don't want to be sad anymore, so I'm going to go away now and watch some more adventure time and try and wake up early tomorrow, I still have a fair few things to do before I am fully ready, I also need to get my mum's mother's day gift all properly sorted out.

BLERGH.

Death.

Speaking of which, I actually listened to the most awesome Radiolab podcast on Death today, it was so so good, I loved it I wanted to cry. Maybe I'll listen to it again. I ran to it actually, tomorrow I am going to try running with no iPod, just my stopwatch / phone that I use as a stopwatch.

L8erz.

tomorroawwww

I'm going to put a chunk of this on my facebook, but this is the full blown decree of love and well wishes to my best friend Annette:

There’s only one person who you can discover the wonders of the four shapes of mcnuggets with, and have it hold an equally significant role in your ever-blooming friendship as the first time you met, discovering the other’s love for Led Zeppelin. And although a seed of love was planted instantly when you met that person, it took nearly a year and a half for it to sprout, even just a little bit. And less than 365 days later, a full blossomed tree stands before the both of you.

Annette captures people with her incredible gift of photography that she has worked at and nurtured for many years. I know it is not possible to capture her in words and do her justice, but I will make a feeble attempt, for those who haven’t been lucky enough to know her like I do.

I haven’t met a soul like hers ever. She has so much love for all humans, she sees beauty and fullness in everything that surrounds her. She visualizes and hears landscapes, disregarding the amount of ‘pollution’ in both respects, she removes those in her mind, and continues on living in a world of extensive and intricate design. Discussions of light and colour palette are ongoing and never ending topics in her mind’s eye, and she has never showed any contempt to her other four senses, particularly that of taste-food being another primary factor in the growing of our friendship tree.

We have eaten all the haloumi, ice cream, Chinese take away, Indian curry, shapes, whittakers coconut block chocolate and pizza you could imagine and this isn’t nearly the extent of our foodie adventures.

‘We’ began watching films at SFF last year, and bonded over our enjoyment of seeing films by ourselves, critiquing the soundtracks and for the 4 films we saw at George st cinema together that week, we sat in the very same seats. She was generous enough to have me in her apartment at least once a week, and though the evenings would start with such high energy and excitement, they would usually end with me falling asleep mid-conversation.

I have learned so much from her in the past almost-year that it has been, and through a very rough and somewhat pain-staking refining process, she stood not just by me, but with me. And I am the happiest I have been in my life up to this point.

We took TAFE last semester, she, French, and I, German. During which time, we were both preparing to serve missions for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I worked full time and taught flute two afternoons a week, and Annette studied full time, worked at a film lab, ran her own professional business all the while actually enjoying her life!

Unbeknownst to the both of us, she was called to serve in the Berlin, Germany mission. Two months later, I was called to serve in the Alpine, German speaking mission.

Tomorrow, my besten freund leaves for 18 months to serve the people of Germany, and teach those who are willing to hear about the gospel of happiness. I wish you all the best Buddy, and am so excited for us to be sending domestic mail very soon, and can’t wait for the process of the language of our mail turning from English to German. Though it pains me enormously to be separated from you for a seemingly large portion of time, I know it is really just a speck in the bigger picture and I can’t wait to join you in the field. ICH LIEBE DICH MEIN ENGEL!

lasts

Rocky Mountain Raga-Robbie Basho


Last night was my last sleepover at Annette's family home in Luddenham before she leaves. Things don't seem real, despite the fact I helped her start to pack after dinner.


We had more sausages with potato for dinner because of the sixty that were boiled for the beach barbecue on Saturday. Then Bubba made us toasties and we ate some chocolate and we sat on the ground and went through some of Annette's things, and after a while, we verbally recognised . I wasn't supposed to sleep over. But I did. At one point this morning we were snuggling in her bed, and I fell asleep. I woke up and she was up and showered and ready to do stuff.


I'm not really sure what I am going to do once she leaves--for the six weeks that I have before I leave. Well I guess I have a lot to do, but no one to talk to about it. Which is strange, because everything that has happened over almost the past year, Annette has known about.


I'm probably just going to cry a lot really.


I am going to write a poem for her, I haven't written poetry in a really long time, the last poems I would have written would have been for Nick before he left.


I want to die, listen to this Robbie Basho track.


I don't want to die I want to snuggle with Annette.

freude

It's been a wild couple of days. As Annette prepares to enjoy / endure her final week in Australia before venturing to Germany to become a full time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, she has been having a couple of farewell gatherings to say goodbye to the people she loves. 


Last night we gathered at a chapel that looks over the city, I walked in to a room with fairy lights strung, a two metre (or thereabouts) German flag hanging on a wall, red, yellow and black scattered anywhere possible, whether it be in handcrafted bunting or balloons, she made sure we knew it was German themed. I came with brandings / selfies of Annette all over me-on my makeshift liederhosen, around my hat, and fashioned on my wrist, all thinking it was just a humorous stunt. But really guys, I really love this human, and no one will know how important she is to me, and I want to let her know everyday (is this how people speak about their husbands / wives, I don't know?). LEWL. Anyway, it was a really lovely night, lots of food was to be had, and past memories to be spoken about with each other and a beautiful way to say goodbye to the important folk who touched her life. 


I didn't leave until about ten to midnight, and drove home alone to Rejoicing in the Hands by Devendra Banhart. I don't think I could have picked a better or more appropriate album. Here are the lyrics for the title track--

In the dark we are without her empress light

                                                   In the dark we are without a light

Half asleep we're calmly waiting through her night

Half asleep we wait 'til she arrives

                                         Clouds of birds are covering her dark blue sky

Clouds of birds are covering her sky

A rush of wind is gently playing with their wings

And yellow stones are standing on her eyes

                                            All rejoices are, we're when in her hands

It's all rejoice we are in her hands

Owl eyes, her sun will rise and light the land

                                                     All rejoice we are in her hands

Yeah. I know.

Today I was lucky enough to spend it with just Annette and her family at one of our favourite and most cherished places in the world-Bronte beach. I arrived there before they did, saved us a table and then went and submerged myself in the water quickly so I could construct our salad. 

I think one of the most incredible feelings that I realised for the first time when Annette and I swam in a waterhole on our Blue Mountains camping trip, as you slowly bring your body closer and closer to being all the way under the water, there's this crazy apprehension that fills all of you. It tingles and shakes through all your limbs and all the way to your fingers and toes. Your brain feels at times like it is trying to drive your body away from the cold, away from this motion of moving in water that I guess is pretty irregular for the human bean. You take a plunge anyway. That same apprehension is almost paralytic with happiness as your neural pathways give each other a secret and silent fist bump for taking said plunge. You emerge from the water, I often (always) have accidentally taken in some of the ocean water because a)it's saltiness is beyond belief perfect and b)I have started to smile under water and it seeps in through the gaps of my teeth.

Being able to experience this with my best friend and her family was awesome today. We went in the ocean ocean as well, not just our rock pool where we don't have to think about surviving the current, we float and enjoy and do some synchronised swimming to the Enya we are synchronically listening to in our heads. The waves were fun. I got destroyed on my way back to the shore and despite a high pressure shower during which I sat on the ground (I don't do that enough, it's really fun), I'm still shaking sand from my scalp.

I had another drive home alone from the beach. I really enjoy that. I program my iPod specifically for what I had just done throughout the day and what I want to think about (as well as driving). It's like an algorithm to me that I live for. As well as thinking about the past things I want my ears to pick up on, I also need to think about what I want to do once I get home or wherever else it is that I would be going, and what I listen to will impact that as well. So it's like, a double algorithm, from both sides. It's a dream.

It's been a big couple of days, I'm beat and I'm going to sleep now.

Next to a 1.25L bottle of cola...

cemetery picnics

Today I picked up the best friend I had in high school from her home 10 minutes from mine, and we drove to the eastern suburbs to have a picnic at Waverley Cemetery, something we did three years ago, when we both were in our first year of university.

We had smoked salmon and dill dip with jatz, a diet can of cola for her, a regular strength can of cola for me, a packet of chicken crinkle cut chips and a packet of mild salami. Overlooking the coast, the view was split into two very different blues, both as equally as pungent in tone and colour, one sky, one sea. We were encircled by the tiny wrens, we managed to spot a couple of the dominating blue wrens, that chirped excitedly around us as we munched and caught up.

Sometimes, it's hard to keep a friendship going, but I think sometimes when really look into things like that, and you'll realise, they're just phases of people, when the clogs and wheels just aren't co-operating, it's just a dip. The beautiful people stay beautiful, their countenances will remain with them, despite all the goings on in life, despite all the different decisions that people make around them that will ultimately affect them, they are inherently kind and caring and full of love.

This is such a comforting thing to me and I really do love the people whom I call my friends, a lot.

And also, I really miss Annette today...

10 days.

I miss Annette

She is down the butt end of Australia-Tasmania, she shot a wedding today for her uncle and I miss her like a fewl. It is only 11 days until she leaves the country, and I await the six hardest and most brutal weeks of my life, but I am ready I think to face them, for my imminent departure will draw nearer and nearer. (ANNETTE I LOVE U)

I haven't stopped listening to the Enough Thunder EP by James Blake that features Bon Iver on one of the tracks. It is continuously mindblowing. If you haven't listened to it, I highly recommend, highly highly!!! I can't work out the lyrics in the track with Bon Iver, I really want to, because it is such a vocally involved piece. IT'S JUST SO GOOD.

Tomorrow, I am going to see a Xenakis performance with my old best friend from high school and we're going to have a picnic in Waverly cemetery which we did the year after we finished high school and that has been one of our most treasured memories.

I'm really tired and I just want to wawtch some Suits, sorry for this dumb post, I wouldn't have posted it, but that would have broken the promise with myself about posting one every day before Annette leaves.

Catcha.